When I was a small child I learned that my father had wanted a son. Growing up my father did not participate in my life, he was dismissive of my existence, except when there was a reason to yell at me. I believed then and I still do, that he was disappointed that I was not the boy he wanted.
Now I look back and I see all the places in my life where I have sacrificed my life and my power to others, so as to not disappoint them. I did as they wanted, and how they wanted, so that I would not disappoint them. During these times, I did not grow, I did not truly live, in fact I barely breathed.
I see also see where I have held myself back, not because someone else would have been disappointed, but where I have made the excuse for myself, that they would be disappointed in some way. I have stunted my own growth and flow, out of fear.
And so I say “I might disappoint people, and I LOVE that.” **
After saying that, I can see that the most significant disappointments that others felt because of me, were at times of my own personal growth. I was growing beyond them. I was existing in ways that they did not understand, and were not ready to accept. I was not a failure, I was living, as me and for me.
Each person that has been disappointed in me at one time or another, has the right to be disappointed in me. I would not choose that pain for them, or for me, but it is their right.
I also see now that each time I disappointed someone, they had to face something in their own lives and in themselves, and they were forced to grow, some times in spite of themselves.
“I might disappoint others, and I LOVE that.”🙂 **
** Light Bringer: Kyle Cease
One of his lessons on letting go is to say “blablabla, and I LOVE that”. It is funny how it is easier to see things clearly with this little trick, but I have found it works very well. Look into your life and give it a try.